Loss

I debated if I wanted to share this with the world or not, but I think it might help me cope and begin to move on. I actually wrote this post almost a month ago, I really wasn't sure if I was actually going to post it or not but here goes:


Not to many people knew this but I was pregnant. September 23rd, the day my beautiful healthy nephew was born, I found out that I had lost my precious baby. Even though I should have been 12 weeks along and past the scary part, my poor baby stopped growing at only 8 weeks. They call it a missed miscarriage. I've been walking around with my baby not growing, not living for almost 4 weeks now. I don't know when I'll actually have the miscarriage, and its scary. I really don't want to have the D&C procedure, I want to go natural as much as possible but how long can I do this for? Just waiting, waiting to get closure, waiting to be done, waiting. Everything about this pregnancy was just too perfect. Perfect timing, little to no symptoms, I knew in my heart it was a little girl.


One of the hardest parts of all this is that I was sooo happy for my brother and his wife after bringing their first child into this world. but to go from my appointment to the hospital and be 'happy' is so incredibly hard. He is such a perfect little baby boy, how could I not think of my little one who wasn't with me anymore. And as another reminder a friend of ours is also expecting her first one, her due date - a few days before mine should have been.


-----------------------------


Fast forward to today, 20 Oct 2009. A lot more has happened since my missed miscarriage. Apparently after you mentally know about the missed m/c your body does one of two things, nothing, or starts to actually have the miscarriage. My body did the latter, a couple days later I began having contractions and losing the baby. It was suppose to be just a heavy period. That Sunday I thought after losing 5 huge clots and lots of bleeding I was done, so I went to work the next day, monday, really really bad move. To not get into the details, I ended up being rushed to the hospital. I started to lose to much blood, way more than what a normal miscarriage should be. I ended up having to have an emergency D/C, after losing my baby it was nothing. It didn't hurt and physical recovery was much easier than I thought it would be. I am still recovering mentally and I think that is why I am finishing this post.


I never knew what it was like for other people to have a m/c, I thought being that early is it really a big deal? are you really that 'attached'? I mean at 12 weeks I barely even felt pregnant, how could I be sooo upset. Well it is a big deal, I really truly feel like I lost a child. I ended up deciding to share my story to maybe give other people an insite into what a woman feels after she has a miscarriage. I could never begin to tell you all the feelings I'm having and had, but just a glimpse is still a powerful story and maybe help others with empathy towards this very common occurance.


Good news is I have almost fully physically recovered. My doctor said everything looks normal, I am just slightly anemic still because of how much blood I lost. My body will be fine, its my heart that still hurts. We will be able to have more children, I hope, I guess I will always be questioning until it finally happens again. One thing that did help is Caleb learned something awesome the week everything was happening, he learned to say, "I luv momma", he didn't know what I was going through, just that I needed lots of hugs and kisses and he was there for me, as well as Tony, he was and is really a great husband.

Now I look back at this picture and just think, this is how I was going to tell everyone I was pregnant, it would have been my first belly pic at 11.5 weeks, just days before we got the bad news. I love this picture.